Editor Miss Urgence Precombe
Currently Supporting the Glorious forces of the Union
Issue 1 April 1861
War for the Soul of the Union.
And so it has begun. Fort Sumpter down in the Carolinas has been surrendered to the Secessionists. Virginia seems to have gone mad with the stain of rebellion. We may be a Virginia Newspaper, but we here at the Monitor believe in our One Nation.
Federal troops have been seen at the crossings of the Rappohannock River right here in Fredericksburg. A Company of Virginian Infantry, raised by Captain Judas Zebadiah (JZ) Quilp of the Virginia Academy, has already crossed over to the north bank, and headed off towards Manassas.
No Cavalry or guns have yet been seen, or are expected. The presence in our town of Colonel Jefferson Mustard, a Texican and former Congressman has also caused some concern. The Colonel gave a Rabble rousing speech and has vowed to raise a Regiment of Texicans to fight alongside the Secessionists in this state, if Virginia indeed joins the rebellion.
Colonel Mustard has long been a figure of controversy, and is still suspected of the brutal killing of a Miss Peacock, in his billiard room, with a lead pipe.
PROFESSOR PLUM OPENS ARMY EMPORIUM
The Professor, once of Harvard, has opened an Emporium to serve the armies in the upcoming conflict. His dry goods have always been admirable, but he also sells Professor Plum’s Brown Liniment and Horse Tonic. Cures nervousness in men of business, and cowardice in the Military Man.
The Camp Emporium
$1 Bottle Brown liniment.
$5 New boots, per man.
$5 Barrel of whiskey (morale bonus)
$20 An Officer's visit Miss Kitten at the Camp Cat house
$20 A company mule.
$20 A company cart.
$50 A Sepia Photograph of the Officer in best uniform
$100 A Sepia Photograph of Miss Kitten, without uniform
$100 New muskets,
$100 per man bribe to receive replacements from the Regiment
$300 New rifled muskets
$300 Company armourer,
$400 Appointment of a company doctor
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