The Fredericksburg Monitor, issue 2, May 1861.

Editor Miss Urgence Precombe

Now supporting our Southern boys.

Issue 2, May 1861

Reports of limited skirmishing to the north have reached Fredericksburg.  A Company of Virginia Militia, hastily raised from the area around the Virginia Academy, and containing within its ranks many young students, has already crossed the Rappahannock.  Leading this fine force Captain Judas Zebadiah Quilp, a former Professor at the Academy, wearing his customary thick spectacles, and carrying his schoolmaster's cane “jes’ to give those Yankees a fine Whuppin’.”

Second Lieutenant Winfield Armstrong Fluster, a Seminary teacher, panicker and stutterer, commanding part of a company of the 2nd Massachusetts Militia, was the only available Yankee to greet the Virginians north of the river.  Apparently all those other blue belly boys are diggin’ defensive ditches around Washington.  The Lootenant was sporting a Nice and Sweetly six shot horse dragoon pistol, .58 calibre, with a 12 inch rifled barrel and attaching walnut shoulder stock. He calls it “Daisy,” after his Momma.  If that boy fires off that piece he'll wind up back home in the Potomac River.  

Winfield and his boys have come south on orders from his Colonel to forage for creamed onions... a natural resource of North Virginia! He better hope Ole Quilp don’ cut them onions for himself.

With the Virginians moving in from the South, against the damned Yankees comin’ in from the North, it seems an encounter is to be played out.

God Save our Southern boys.

Advertisements

Buy Professor Plum’s Certified Horse and Hair Tonic

You sir, are you a nervous man?  Why in this Nineteenth Century Science has progressed! We know our chemistries Sir!  A Sip of The Professor’s Patent Horse and Hair tonic will have you moving like a young buck again.  A mix of Mercury, Asbestos, Arsenic powder and Tar, the tonic is proof against all concerns of the modern world.

You can trust a Harvard man.  Also gives you pepper in your stride.  Only pay for what you buy.

Silas Yeardeed, Undertaker, Fredericksburg Town Limits.

Yeardeed’s Funereal Experience, $1 for the town cemetery and a wooden box. Or meet your maker in our deluxe $2 gold painted box.

A soon to be expanding business, from right here in Fredericksburg.

Nice and Sweetly, Gunmaking and Firearms Partners.

New stock. Dance and Park, 5 shot revolving action pistol, $12 including taxes. Colt 5 shot 1836 pattern, $2 No guarantees given with this weapon. Harpers Ferry single shot 1855 .58 rifled Horse Dragoon pistol, with attaching shoulder stock. 12 inch barrel protects those 2nd Amendment freedoms!  $8.  Winchester Single barrel shotgun $5, reliable.  Allen and Turner 1848 single shot pistol $6, Bridesburg model 1861 Rifled musket $12 Colt model 1860 New Army 6 shot revolving chamber pistol, $25.  Sweetly percussion caps, box of 50 at $5.

Nice and Sweetly, a measured response for all occasions.  Nothing says “get yer hands up” quite as well as a Nice and Sweetly firearm!

Doctor Sigmund Friend of Charlestown visits Fredericksburg

The Doctor is studying nervous disorders in the general population and specifically within the Military Man.   He believes that he has discovered a simple table that can tell us the nature of a man's character, merely by rolling a dice upon it.  Turns out Dr Friend must be a drinker then!

The character of a man table

Use 2d6. WHITE and BLACK.  Divide the list into six segments and dice accordingly.  Thus... A roll of 2 on white means you take the result between 7 and 12 on the second dice, etc...

1. Gambling debt
2. Got a lady into trouble
3. An argument with a fellow officer
4. Repeatedly found drunk with the company mule
5. Enamoured of Miss Kitten from the cat house
6. Intolerant Religious indignation at fellow officers
7. A fervent and fanatical abolitionist
8. Owes monies to serious people at home
9. Angry and ill tempered
10. A bone idle fellow, always asleep
11. Regularly smokes a pipe of exotic herb
12. Suffers from gastric windage.
13. A game leg, origins unclear
14. Harbours a secret love for his Sergeant
15. A terrified poltroon
16. A rash, impetuous heroic idiot
17. A quiet thinker, liable to snap at any minute.
18. Talks to himself as another persona
19. Has a thick country (or over cultured) accent
20. A Mummy's boy, won't do any work
21. An innocent. Believes everything he hears.
22. A psychotic, who fixes murderously on one thing.
23. A hobbyist, obsessed with catching butterflies etc…
24. A thief who steals indiscriminately
25. A bully, who shouts and busters
26. A dangerous bastard who is skilled in violence,
27. A weasel of a man,
28. A Braggart and bully.
29. A dandy with a dress sense
30. A fine dancin’ man for the ladies.
31. Poor cross - eyed fellow with a fine moustache.
32. A portly, eatin’ man, with a heroic appetite.
33. A bible reader, always ready with a quote
34. A Jewish tailor’s boy, with fine manners
35. An exiled Russian Nobleman, “skilled in the Wars.“
36. A real joker, it's the way he tells ‘em.