Randi Ram and the Battalion Major.

 Oh Captain Whitmore sir,

It is I, the Randi Ram, and once again there has been trouble in Fort George.  Miss Parker, once your ward, now a missionary, was here again giving out bibles from a handcart.  Rumour went around that these were bound in a leather which was the skin of dead pigs and cows...  This offended both the Hindu and Musselman Sepoys in an equal measure.  

The battalion was paraded, and we stood to attention eyes forward, furious to a man.  The Colonel and adjutant retreated to the bungalow and "Missionary" Miss Parker appeared to fan the flames of our anger, with her handcart of grave offence.   Muttering and angry words followed, and I think that the battalion would have mutinied, except that at that very moment the battalion Major returned.  

He has been at Bombay, on the Staff of the Governor, but now he was back among us.  His name is Major Williams, but he is called “Shut-up” by the Sepoys, since these are his favourite words.  He is also called “The thundering pig,” but for different reasons.

Major Williams: Mounted and Foot version

 The 2^nd Madras have a strange attitude to this man.  He both terrifies and inspires us.  He is the most ugly creature in all of creation, yet all true soldiers should have his talents.  In a voice like Indra God of the thunders he roared that “those flaming books be chucked in a pit, off of this parade ground.”  

When Miss Parker objected with tears and arguments about Jaysirs, the English god, he told her, “Oh Dear, how sad, never mind.”

Then he inspected the battalion, shouting at anyone whose coat or musket showed dirt.  He shouted a lot.

   

We all felt much better.

It is this Officer who will be leading us against the Hillfort at Dahl, to get revenge on the Bhuna.  

Generating the Character

When I set up the Randi Ram campaign I decided to use the TV Show "It ain’t half hot mum," for the names and basic characters of the Battalion Officers.  One of the characters I did not use was one of my favourites, Battery Sergeant Major Williams.  Since I use only a very few British Officers, and at the Company level I game there tends to be only one present anyway, usually a Lieutenant, I hadn`t needed Williams until now.  

The Subadar Major, Haidar Sikh, Lieutenants "Gunnar" Grahame, Makintosh, Parkin

Indeed in Sepoy companies the Indian Officers would often command anyway, since Europeans were scarce.  However, for some of the scenarios that the 2nd Madras will now face I  need a forceful and energetic Senior Officer.  The rank of Sergeant Major did not really appear until some time after the period the game is set in, and having promoted the ordinary soldiers to Officers It seems correct to make Sergeant Major Williams up to Major Williams.  

Here are the results of my character generation rolls.  I have these for each of the Officers and senior Indian ranks in the game.  For some bizarre reason my Indian Officers always seem to be competent, and my Europeans idiots.  Perhaps I have a bias!

Major Tudor Brynn "Shut-up" Williams
Cock o'the walk
An average stamp physique
Face like a pig's backside
Popularity Loved by the Sepoys, hated by his fellow Officers
An urchin from Sister Teresa's Orphanage in Cardiff.
A fair hand with the sword
An accomplished horseman
His personality is that of a cad, and he is a lecherous ladies man.
He is athletic, strong and agile, with a voice like a loud and angry Tiger. (this last part being from the TV show)

This translates into the following character profile:

"Shut-up" is a Welshman who is the real commander of the 2nd Madras.  As second in command to “Pink Gin” Colonel Reynolds he terrorises Fort George with a voice like Indra, God of Thunder.  He hates India, but he hates English Officers more, but he loves shouting, swearing and fighting.  (According to the Greek Philosopher Socrates the Fat these are the Military Virtues)* 

Born in a Cardiff Orphanage he has risen to the rank of Major, in the East India Company, by his fighting ability, and his links to Colonel Reynolds, who took him on to work as a groom at the tender age of ten, but has recognised his fighting ability and energy.  The other Officers detest Williams, looking down on him because of his humble background.  He is an accomplished horseman, from his days as a groom, and a fair hand with the sword.  He has little real military skill, but firmly believes that being in the army is all about shouting, and he has a god given talent for that.

The Sepoys follow Williams as a natural, but very ugly leader, calling him "Garajane Suar Sahib" or "the thundering pig" in Hindi. 

The Major is in love with Miss Linda Lovelace, the Parson's very correct and prudish daughter, but is allergic to her trio of pekinese dogs.  She thinks he is quite attractive, but only because his face resembles one of her dog’s.  He has however no “prospects.”

"Shut-up’s”  frustrated lechery has made him a frequent customer at Nookie Noor's Emporium of Delights, and on still nights the energetic singing of "Men of Harlech," as his evening reaches its booming climax, can be heard as far away as Pornomalee. Sometimes he even gets as far as the second verse before shouting “Load, Make Ready, Target to your Front, Give Fire!! Oh Yes!!”

On watching the distant advance of the 2nd Madras at the battle of Assaye in 1803, Arthur Wesley, future Duke of Wellington, commented, "A sound battalion, but by heaven that man has a shout like a howitzer," to which Williams replied "SHUT-UUUUUUUUP."

* Socrates the Fat was a little known cousin of the better known Socrates the Clever Dick.  His life was tragically cut short when he was force fed a hemlock sausage.

Naik (Corporal) Jaymin, and his gun "Jamilla the Killer."