Randi and Mr Gunnar Grahame

Randi and Mr Gunnar Grahame

Greetings Sahibs from Randi Ram.

Once again Mr Kipling has agreed to write down my story, and I have to eat only a few of his most praiseworthy cakes.
I am sending you the tale as a most proper Englishman

The Expedition against the Bhuna of Dahl had not been going well. Our Officer, Mr Gloria was shot in the Dhoolie, and now we have a bald and Brainy Officer called Mr Gunner Grahame. When he was asked about the name "Gunner" he gave a laugh and said that "some raw work was being done at the font these days." He seemed to think that I Randi Ram, of the Ram caste, would make a good servant Wallah. I could only agree, and am now promoted to be his manservant. He calls me Randi Jeeves,and laughs like a very large mule at this wit.

Mr Grahame leads two platoons forward

So there we are, marching for the City of Dahl, (a fairly new place by the architect "Zvezda") with a gun, and the rest of the company. Mr Grahame puts us into three platoons and we march right up to the walls. The poor weak brain of the Randi Ram thought that this was an unwise plan but so it turned out not to be. The Bhuna of Dahl himself, waving a large chopper, with his men behind him, came charging at us from a side gate.
Now this was surprising on several counts. Firstly this Bhuna was not on an elephant, but was once again the  riding "Buttercup" his famous camel and source of scandal, and secondly, that yet again the Bhuna seemed to be a convert to Mahdism for he was dressed as the Khalifa.

The Bhuna of Dahl, on his prettiest camel.

The men of the 2nd Madras are not to be daunted by the likes of the Bhuna, big chopper or no. We are regulars, and paid by the Company, not some local prince. We saw them off with a volley. It killed nobody, but served to make the Bhuna consider his actions.
Groups of Badmashes raced from the city and we could see that Tante Tooh, that vile chaser of the goat, was leading them. Mr Grahame was insensible, for he had believed this Tooh dead. With a shout of "I say... you goaty buggar!" Mr Grahame charged at him. (Mr Grahame has some ready wit) The Badmashes ran away, of course, and we marched into the city like true Englishmen.

Dahl

Here we found the Princess Jelli, with Brother Belcher her spiritual advisor. She informed us that the Bhuna, her father had fled to the Typhoo Sultan, and that he would be returning with regulars from the Typhoo guard. Mr Grahame said that the Typhoo would not strain himself, but that trouble was brewing, and that it was trouble with a capital Tea.
We burned several inflamable parts of the city before marching back to Fort George.
I have fought with these Typhoo Sultan Regulars before. Great green turbans they wear, big men with long muskets and big curving choppers. I shudder to think on it.

I had best go lay out Mr Grahame's dinner jacket and cravat.
Standards you know!

Best wishes Sahibs,
Randi Ram