Randi remembers his first battle.

Greetings Sahibs,
from Randi Ram, Sepoy of the 2nd Madras regiment of the honorable East India Company.  Mr Kipling from Glorious England, cake seller to the Queeg herself, has  agreed to write my story down.

I joined the regiment in 1784 at the youthful age of 15. My real name was Ranjit, but the Sergeant called me Randi after seeing me chase a goat from the parade ground at Fort George one morning. It is a sahib joke I think.
My first real skirmish was under the sahib Lieutenant Beaumont, who we all called Gloria.  A section of ten were escorting a gun being taken into Bhuna, to a fort the Glorious British had built. The Dahl of Bhuna was much annoyed at this place and as we approached the outpost his Badmash villians attacked us.

Gloria Sahib, before his most unfortunate shooting in the Dhoolie

Tante Tooh, one of the Bhuna's own men had hidden in a tope, past which Mr Gloria had marched us before we would enter the village.  But Mr Gloria is a Soldiers Soldier, apart from the fact that he dresses in a Sari when off duty.  He lined us up ready to receive a charge.  We thought him sun touched.  Then we saw it, the villain Tante Tooh emerged from the tope chasing the Sacred Goat of the Bhuna, a mystical animal that is the emblem of the Bhuna.  The Typhoo Sultan may have tigers, but the Bhuna has a most attractive goat!  Badmashes and Wallahs followed him.  We gave them the volley.

The sacred Goat of Bhuna

Huzzah!

They did not stand.  Badmashes and wallahs facing British spunk is no recipe for Cha!
Off they ran, with their goat, and we occupied the fort.  Now it holds twenty men!
It seems certain that we will be attacked soon,
Randi

Ah, Quilp Sahib, greetings from Randi Ram,
Mr Kipling has written down these exceedingly good words for you, and will force me to eat only a few of his most excellent bakewell tarts in return!

I have seen them Sahib, the Typhoo Sultan's Regulars. Big men with huge choppers, and long muskets. I spied them out as they approached the fort here at Pornomalee. For a place called Pornomalee there is surprisingly little to do. The local merchant is Nookie Nooh, a strange man who when he is drunk claims the name of "Sir Digby Chicken Caesar." He employs some punka wallahs, who double as water carriers. He also has information for sale to the highest bidder.

The Approaching Big Choppers of the Typhoo Sultan's Regulars

Mr Gloria, our fine lieutenant has paid 50 rupees to this Nookie to discover that the Typhoos Regulars are coming here. He entrusted me, the Randi Ram, to get a message to Fort George. I began the walk back to Madras, only to halt outside the village, where I saw them.   Eighty or more men in green turbans with angry expressions and huge mustachios. They are surrounding us.
I think that a battle is coming soon, and that I had better prepare myself to meet the ancestors of Ram. We have only 20 Sepoys and a gun in this fort,
Yours
Randi Ram, Sepoy, 2nd Madras.

Badmashes in the Village.  Notice Randi balanced on the firing step, soon to be struck by a dice of fate!

The Merchant Nookie Noor.  "Tell me what you need!"  His boys Max and Paddy behind.